Nor Cal / Nev College Ministries

Numbers 4-7 are from Lyman Coleman, Groups in Action.

1. Model what you want the other members to do.

2. You, more than anything else, will determine the character of your group. If the tone you set is defensive, suspicious, and shallow, you will have a defensive, suspicious, and shallow group. Modeling your ideal means being vulnerable, taking the steps (at the proper moment) to show what you want to happen. (This does not, of course, mean shocking your group by some sort of "true confession". It means modeling an attitude of openness in which they are free to share as deeply as they want.) You cannot teach this from a book. The members of your group will have it modeled for them firsthand. Deal with experience, not ideas.
3. To discuss on a theoretical level is a sure way to kill in depth sharing. This includes doctrinal discussions. It is possible to play intellectual ping-pong, bouncing ideas off each other without ever going any deeper than the conceptual level. But when we share what we have discovered to be true through what we have experienced, we share ourselves, and in so doing we share all that Christ is to us and has done for us. We show others not what we think, but what we feel, what we are, and what we know to be true from experience. Deal with the here and now.
4. The past is interesting, and at times it is valuable to share it, but the focus of a small group meeting should be kept on what is happening now. What has happened to others is interesting, but the focus is not on others and how God dealt with them, but on how God is dealing with us. Speaking of the past or of other people's experiences is very often superficial chitchat. (There are exceptions, of course, such as when a person opens up and shares something that they have experienced that made a significant impact upon their life and helped make them the way they are today. That is valuable sharing of the past.) Don't interrupt.
5. The key here is listening to the person who is speaking and letting him or her have a chance to really share what he or she would like. If the individual is sharing something that really means a lot to them, it might mean that the agenda for the evening must be canceled in order to let them share what is on their heart. This would not apply, of course, to a person who is simply dominating a discussion on a much more shallow level. Don't probe.
6. Encourage each person to share what they want to, but don't make them share what they do not want to. If someone in the group starts to probe, say something like, "Let's let Jill tell it the way she sees it." or "Why don't we give Jill a chance to finish what she has to say?" Don't give advice.
7. Advice is cheap and sometimes disastrous. If someone in the group has had an experience that is applicable to the person's situation, allow them to share the experience, but do not go on to draw the conclusion for the person. If the person specifically asks for advice, tell what you might do if you were in their place. Don't judge. When someone shares a sin or a divergent outlook, the move of the group will stand the crucial test. The person should not be put down. If he or she is, they will possibly never open up like that again. The group should accept them as they are. Only to the extent that the group accepts the person for who they are will they be able to make a really lasting change in their life.
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